So I finally got around to seeing the cinematic masterpiece that is Asylum’s Sharknado. In case you hadn’t noticed, I have a thing for so-bad-they’re-good horror films, and I have a particular fondness for terrible shark movies. So I went in expecting just another hilarious crap-fest, so imagine my surprise when I discovered that Sharknado is actually highly educational. Below are the things I learned about both sharks and, if I’m honest, life in general.
1. There are A LOT of fucking sharks off the coast of America
These people who say that some sharks are endangered don’t know what they’re talking about.
2. If there is a shark attack, you don’t just have to get out of the water, you’d better get your ass off the beach
They can attack you in water that is ankle deep.
3. If there are tornadoes out at sea, sharks are the only ocean creatures liable to be sucked up by them
All other sea life is immune to wind.
4. If you want to get a shark out of a tornado, shoot it. The only thing keeping it up there is the fact that it’s alive
Seriously, just shoot them down. It’ll be fine.
5. Sharks can totally survive for long periods of time out of the water
Providing they are within a tornado. They love that shit.
6. You can be swallowed whole by a shark.
But that’s okay, you can just chainsaw your way out.
7. Sharks roar
And kind of scream as well.
8. You want to stop a tornado? Throw a couple of bombs at it.
9. In an emergency, you can set a pool on fire with gasoline in order to kill sharks.
This is a thing that will actually work.
10. If you have a ridiculous childhood trauma involving sharks, feel free to hilariously rip off Quint’s famous speech from Jaws in order to recount it